DECLARATION OF PRINCIPLES

Ladies and germs, 

I’m in the process of modifying my approach to online discussion. I assume you’re all on pins and needles already, so I won’t keep you in suspense. 

  Here’s my system. If I have a problem with something someone says, I’ll try to find some common ground while making it clear to them how and why I object. I’ll spend serious time and effort reading what they wrote, and serious time making my point in a way that shows how much I understand the serious nature of telling someone online that they’re full of shit. 

  I’m fine, absolutely fine, with disagreement. I’m even fine with it if the other person is wrong. (All of us should be fine with that, and you may consider those two sentences to be a schoolmarmish lecture.) 

  What I’m not fine with is people not reading and paying attention to what I’m saying. If I make a point at length, and you respond with a lazy and glib reiteration of what you already said, that’s where I stop having time to engage with you. I’m cool with it if I don’t win you over, but if you’re not listening to me, you’re not worth my time or my respect. I try to give people my time and my respect when we don’t agree, and even that amount of civility strikes some people as an unacceptable coddling of the enemy. 

  So be it. But if you can’t listen the way I’m listening to you, then I’m out. I know listening is hard. It’s also vital. I tell my son that the main reason I’m smart is because I’ve always been a good listener. I’m actually interested in what other people have to say. And I learn from people even when we don’t agree. 

Everybody— I mean everybody— thinks they’ve arrived at the correct interpretation of reality through thoughtful, hard-won effort. So there’s no particular virtue in believing that you are correct. 

There is actual virtue involved in developing your ability to listen. If you’re a good listener, I admire you for that. Keep it up, and teach your kids to do it, and maybe we’ll find our way out of the mess we’re in.