LIVE AND ADDLED BROADCAST FROM SPORTS EVENT

The following is a series of posts I made live from a sporting event yesterday.

From these seats, I can't quite tell what sport they're getting ready to play way down there. Fortunately, it's 2017, which means I can just sit and drink my 20 dollar Pepsi while I watch David Cronenberg's classic "Dead Ringers" on my phone. What's all the commotion? Did someone score a basket, or field goal, or something? I guess I was distracted; in my hand I've got Jeremy Irons playing not one but TWO nuanced perverts.

It's amazing how much money I have to shell out to watch a basketball game with this guy's head obstructing my view of 12.5 % of the court. If I'd stayed at home, for a much more modest outlay I could have gotten Paul Williams to stand in front of me and block nearly the entire screen. (With a coupon, I probably could have afforded Marco Rubio.)


The guy in front of me actually stood up and shook his fist triumphantly because one of the Utah Jazz missed a foul shot. That was a few minutes ago; right now I count no fewer than nine mascots dancing around down there, so I guess it must be half court, or half time, or whatever.

The guy in front of me is off purchasing some cotton candy and Michelob, and with his cranium happily occupied elsewhere, I can see that the court is covered with 8 dozen girls jumping rope in some sort of formation. Is it offensive that my first thought is, are we in Japan?

It's Black History Month, and you know what that means-- the halftime Jumbotron screen is filled with a grinning high schooler holding a framed collage of Haile Selassie and Ossie Davis.

Responding to a questionable 4th quarter ruling from one of the stripey men, the guy in front of me jumped up and did a brief imitation of a menorah.

So much action packed into the last minute I don't know if my thumbs are up to this, but here goes.

1. After an unfortunate failed pass, the guy in front of me reacted cryptically with a two-hand gesture that resembled a passive-aggressive busboy elaborately cleaning out a crumbcatcher.

2. The PA played "Welcome to the Jungle," prompting a court side dad to hold aloft his young son, in a proud attempt to show the world how many balloon animals can be attached to an infant's skull.